There’s a little insecurity in all of us. And with insecurity comes the need to settle. I’ve watched my friends closely to try to make sense of it and this is what I’ve come up with. We settle in relationships because it’s just not worth the headache to go through the dating process over and over. Especially if everyone around you is settling down, you might feel the need to do the same. Once we find a partner who we can at least have a meaningful conversation with, settling is the obvious next step. Here are the top 3 reasons why I believe we settle in relationships:

We date who we think we deserve

There’s no easy or nice way to say this but if you feel like you’re in a relationship with a bum, you are probably a bum too, in your head. Yes, you read that right. I touched on this in my part 2 of being 30, unmarried and childless. Check it out if you want to know my tips on how to date responsibly. In the same light, if you feel like you deserve God’s gift to this earth in a partner then it’s likely that you feel the same way about yourself. 

I see this a lot with women. We complain about the same issue with a partner and yet, we continue the relationship. It’s like Sis… what’s the problem? Why not just move on?

Oh… I know why.  Next reason. ↓↓↓↓

Fear of not finding anyone else

Not many people want to be on their own in life and that is completely understandable. But to what extent? Some people would rather stay in abusive and unhappy relationships for the sake of not being alone. And honestly can you blame them? Well, kinda but not really. My thing is, do whatever makes you happy.

There was case study presented in the Huffinton Post  where couples and singles were examined on the Fear of being Single Scale. Marisa T. Cohen, Ph.D., analyzed the study and stated this in here article:

“Overall, they found that individuals with stronger fears were more likely to lower their standards, both in their current relationships and when selecting new mates. In addition, higher scores on their scale “…predicted greater dependence in less satisfying relationships” (Spielmann et al., 2013, p. 1068). The more fear a person had, the less likely they would be to end a relationship that they were in, even when they were not satisfied. Being that people with a fear of singledom settle for less, it may further perpetuate the idea that being single leads to unhappiness.”

By the end of the study, it was observed that, people just don’t want to be alone.

“Taken together, the present research suggests that fear of being single is a meaningful predictor of settling for less in relationships.”

No desire for more

Obviously, some of us just don’t care. And that’s okay too.  Not everyone desires this perfect mate that checks every box.

Particularly in live-in relationships, having someone there to split financial responsibilities with is enough. Also, according to an article I found on pewresearch.org/, 28% of married couples, tied the knot for financial stability. The photo below is from a study done in 2013, I’m sure the percentage is much higher today.

With housing cost going up every year, it’s a natural progression to want to find a partner to help carry the burden. But this comes at a cost of not being truly fulfilled in a romantic relationship.

It is my opinion that no one is ever going to avoid settling for something in life. It’s just a matter of time. Whether it’s with a job, relationship or friendship, it’s inevitable. The goal is to just be as happy as you can be with what you have control over. As always, let me know your thoughts in the comment section! 

1 COMMENT

  1. As a young (21 year old) woman, I definitely enjoyed reading this engaging piece. I always thought I was an odd ball because I honestly thrive when I’m single and I realized it is because I push myself the way I need someone else to do for me. It honestly feels easier to only have to worry about my success and fulfillment because I’ve found intimate relationships to be draining after a year or as I would say “cutting my wings”. Although this is still valid I’ve actually started dating one of my old best friends and it’s funny because though I’m with him, I still feel free and fully supported. I believe our foundation as being great friends before has helped us both realize and understand how to can truly pour into each other as well as allow us to continue independently thrive from ourselves. I’d love to hear more personal touch to fully understand how you came to your conclusion through life experience.

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