Here we go again. Complicating situations that are easier to maneuver than we think. Easier in theory. Self-accountability is never easy.

Are you in the dating game feeling like you’re spinning your wheels? Feel like giving up and joining a nun commune?

Don’t give up yet, the fix is quite simple.

What if I told you that you could find the person of your dreams simply by being that person? I know it sounds bazaar but let me share a bit of what I’ve experienced.

[[ It’s really interesting when I think about it. Interesting in a sense that – as I’m evolving as a woman, the type of men I encounter are also evolving; mirroring almost everything that I am in that moment. ]]

With that in mind, after a break-up or disagreement, instead of pointing out what the other person did or didn’t do, try to take a look inside yourself to determine if there is something in you that contributes to this (most times) heartbreaking experience. It always comes down to these two things:

                1. Either you and that person have different outlooks on how to progress in a relationship or;

                2. You are exhibiting the same behavior that you claim to take issue with and are attracting like-minded                               individuals.

Three steps to date responsibly

Know what you want

This only comes with age, maturity, and going through a few relationships to understand what does and doesn’t work for you. We are constantly changing as I mentioned earlier so obviously our wants and needs will change; however, you should at least know the basics. Do you want a relationship that is traditional? Free-spirited? Open? Do you want children? Do you want someone with children from a previous relationship? Does race matter? Height? Weight? Be as specific as you want because after all, this is the person that you will potentially be sharing your life with. Keep in mind though, the longer the list, the longer the wait.

Be brutally honest

Have the guts to be unapologetic about who you are. This requires vulnerability… (I know, gross). Imagine telling someone how deeply you feel towards them and their response is that the feelings aren’t mutual. Damn. But guess what? Now you know, and now you can move forward. Be honest about what you want and require from the relationship at the moment and in the future. Many times, we enter into relationships with so many expectations of a person without actually expressing what we need initially. If you’re honest from the beginning, there will be very little room for disappointments later.

Don’t waste your time

I had a conversation with a close friend of mine as I was going through a situation where it was clear that me and my partner were not on the same page. My question to my friend  was, “Should I just accept him for who he is and try to deal with it?” His answer was, “No, don’t accept anything that you know deep down in your heart isn’t right for you.  If it’s meant to be, it’ll be, and it won’t involve you tolerating an unhealthy partnership.” AS SOON AS you know a person isn’t right for you, leave, don’t think twice about it. And no, loving that person isn’t enough. The only person you should have unwavering love for is yourself. Having that deep love and respect for yourself teaches people who enter your life how to treat you.

“It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self-love deficit”

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           -Eartha Kit

This all boils down to the fact that we need to start taking responsibility for how things happen while dating or existing in a serious relationship. If you’re always attacting men/women who are liars, cheaters, lazy and unmotivated, that’s a good indication that it’s time for some self reflection. It’s so easy to play the blame game and point out flaws in the other person but how does that help you? It doesn’t. Help yourself by recognizing and working through your own flaws.  It’s nobody’s responsibility to make you happy but you.  The responsible way to date is to choose wisely and very intentionally and make sure that all that all the qualities you desire from your partner, you already possess.

See 30, Unmarried and Childless Pt 1 here