I think most millennial women could agree that modern men are more complex when it comes to relationships than we like to think. Whether you’re single, in a promising relationship or married, I think it’s safe to say that Black millennial women and modern men have a difficult time really understanding each other. Being a millennial woman is to be somewhere in the middle of wanting the Instagram #relationshipgoals and knowing what it takes to be in a real relationship. It’s kind of a unique perspective compared to the generations before and after. To help clear the air, I asked ten Black millennial women (Married and single) to send me their top 3 questions they wanted to ask men. Surprisingly, of the thirty questions I received, most were very similar.
I then reached out to three men that I trust to be brutally honest to answer these questions. The first two men’s responses weren’t exactly what I expected but were definitely eye opening. The third man I reached out to explained that he was terrible with relationships and ultimately declined answering the questions lol.
Man #1 Characteristics
- Height, 6’ +
- Age, 45+
- Class, Middle
- Ethnicity, Black American
- Politics, Center/Left
- Marital Status, Single
- Children, 2
Man #2 Characteristics
- Height, 6’ +
- Age, 30+
- Class, Middle
- Ethnicity, Black American
- Politics, Center/Left
- Marital Status, Married
- Children, 1
Now, on to the questions and answers…
Question 1 – When do you know the woman you’re dating is the one or worth fighting for?
Man #1 – “It might sound cliche but I believe in that feeling – like when people say you just know when you know. And it might not be what you expect. It’s more like a fairy tale feel. I’ve been around long enough to know she’s going to come in a package that you may not expect.”
Man #2 – “Umm let’s see, I think you would know when… it’s a feeling, kind of hard to explain, kind of when your heart and mind fall in line at the same time. No insecurity… All yearnings get fulfilled.”
Question 2 – What is a deal breaker for you? Something women do that you find unattractive?
Man #1 – “Nagging… when the bible talks about relationships, it says, wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord. I feel like women are prone to question and second guess and over communicate and do the same thing over and over and over and over again. My mother, daughter and all the women I’ve dated have done this. Don’t nag. Just end the relationship if it comes down to constant badgering. But that doesn’t mean don’t challenge me. If I’m an asshole please challenge me. Women have a hard time understanding what the difference between the two is.”
Man #2 – “Honestly just not being a goal chaser, someone not on their purpose just going through the waves of life.”
Question 3 – When do you feel most vulnerable?
Man #1 – “When I’m meeting a woman. I think most men would agree that when first meeting a woman is when they feel most vulnerable. Getting to know and meeting a woman.”
Man #2 – “Probably when I’m not doing my job… when I’m not on my purpose. When I have goals and I let the emotions take over because my foundation is not there… I’m not moving towards my purpose. If I need help, I’ll just tell her but mostly I just try to solve in my head”
Question 4 – What do you think the weight of your role in a relationship is?
Man #1 – “I think it’s on the man to hold everything together. The woman is more long-suffering, more willing to endure in a relationship. I feel like it’s on me to not fuck it up. The woman has the ability to keep it together. She can work to make it work or let it go to shit.”
Man #2 – “For me it’s 50/50. I have no issue with it being more but in a relationship we both just want to be fair. In reality it’s like 60/40. I don’t like my girl paying for stuff but if she does it’s cool. But nah it’s actually 70/30. But I always got her; she shouldn’t feel the inclination. Let’s just say, 65/35.”
I thought it was really interesting that they answered this question completely different. How would you have answered this question?
Question 5 – How do you show when you’re in love?
Man #1 – “I feel like I’m a romantic… I think that the women I date don’t see it in the beginning but I think they realize it, they have the key to open everything I have to give. I’m a doer, I do what I need to please a woman. When you see me open up everything, you’ll know. I try to do more, like everything. I’m not going to buy a lot of gifts but I’m going to make sure you have everything you need. I’ll overdo something…”
Man #2 – “Ummm. . you speak your other person’s love language. How she’ll really know is if you’re loving her the way she likes to be loved.”
Question 6 – What are the deep, harmful things an ex did to you that emasculated you or made you feel worthless and how did you heal and overcome that experience in a positive way?
Man #1 – “Whew – I had a girlfriend. She was on and off for 6 or 7 years and I was invited to an event as an honoree for something. I was on a panel with prominent people. She flirted with one of them. We were in a relationship. She was my date. She was in awe of the person she flirted with. That’s where it started. It got to the point where we were sitting on the couch, her phone rang and his name and face popped up. She looked me in the face and grabbed her phone and asked if I saw that. That was the most emasculated I’ve ever felt with a woman. It defined our relationship and is probably the reason we are not married. She enjoyed bringing it. I could choke her. It felt like a trap, she knew I was in love with her and used to her advantage. She used her flirtiness to gain access.
With time… when we stopped talking, I was mad at home. I know I overcame it when I was able to talk about it.”
Man #2 – “My ex was a thot; I already knew what was up so I just used her for her whip. It was still kinda weird because my friends were talking.”
Question 7 – What do you think is a good age to settle down?
Man #1 – “32 or 33 have some time to educate yourself, party, and fuck up some shit, make some mistakes.”
Man #2 – “I think a good time to settle is 25-26… nahh let’s say 27.”
Question 8 – How would you feel about your woman being the breadwinner in the relationship?
Man #1 – “I have no problem with that. Why the fuck would I care? I can take care of myself.”
Man #2 – “Let me think. I don’t know… it’s nothing wrong with making money… I don’t think it would be a problem. I think there would be problems in the relationship but I don’t have a problem with a woman making more money. Now that I’m adding it all together, yes it would be a problem.”
Question 9 – What is your true fear in life as well as in relationships?
Man #1 – “That I’ve wasted it. I think just umm… That I don’t use my time wisely and I’m 70 and think back like I should’ve done this or that… I’ve procrastinated.”
Man #2 – “Being a bum and not being able to support my family.”
Question 10 – Why do you think there is a double standard for women and men in relationships?
Man #1 – “Is there a double standard? Men are going to jail. Women are having slut parades… The perception that there is a double standard is changing.”
Man #2 – “There’s double standards for everything… It’s a bias for everything. Sometimes I feel like I don’t care about double standards because it is what it is… but they exist with both men and women. People only care when it doesn’t benefit them. There are double standards that both genders play into… If you don’t want it done to you, don’t do it.”
There you go ladies… how do yall feel about these answers?
I really loved this article. It’s not often you get to hear things from a man’s perspective on these topics. It’s comforting to know that men can feel vulnerable too.
Interesting collection of responses! I think the questions regarding vulnerability, relationship fears, and expressing love are important ones. This also makes me think about the sort of questions one should explore when beginning a relationship that feels meaningful.
I love that the third man just said ‘Nope!’ and didn’t want to even try. I was a little confused with Man 2’s response about the woman being a breadwinner, is it a problem? As you said these are brutally honest and real answers, and I appreciate the insight!
Right, the 3rd man did not want any parts of the interview LOL. Man #2 meant that he wouldn’t have a problem with the woman being a breadwinner but there would be problems in the relationship.
It’s great to know the guy’s perspectives on things. Their responses are honest and genuine
I love how they show love and I appreciate the honesty in their answers. Great article here!
This is such an interesting idea! I would never have thought to interview two men or even two women to get their differing opinions. Very interesting response too might I add.
This is a really interesting post! I’m not surprised that the married man answered totally different than the single man.
Same, I expected the answers to be completely different. Thank you for reading!
Man number one is really interesting. I am curious what his relationship is with his own mother.
Definitely some interesting responses from man #1, I’m also curious of the relationship he has with his mother… Thank you for reading!
I was cracking up about guy #2 when he kept changing the ratio. This is an interesting article. With my husband he was like both of them it was a feeling he had. He introduced me to his family and it was a done deal.
LOL yes that was funny. His thought process through it all was the best… Everything should be fair, but he doesn’t want her to feel like she has to put up as much as he does. And yes, meeting the family is almost a sure-fire way to tell if the relationship will work or not.
Hhhhmmmm….I loved this interaction and getting to know what’s in the minds of my fellow men!
What a great article. I love hearing a mans perspective on relationship situations. Often times you don’t get their opinion on the account women are always the ones in question.
Wow wow wow! I Loved these responses! Great questions as well. It’s honestly refreshing to see how differently men think and handle their roles in relationships. We need more open dialogue like this, it’s become taboo for people in relationships to speak on their downfalls and how they recovered. Thank you for this topic 🙌🏾 I really enjoyed it.