So you’ve found your way to this corner of the internet- this is a safe space. Maybe you’ve recently experienced a break up and now you’re ready to experience the bounce back. Good for you in taking the next steps to get closer to where you want to be.
And sis- don’t worry, I promise it’s going to be okay. Break-ups are never easy and they require a high level of maturity and emotional intelligence to get through.
I can think back to my first real deal break-up in 2016… it was one of the most tragic breakups I had ever experienced. My college sweetheart and I dated for 7.5 years. I honestly couldn’t really imagine life without him. He was definitely my best friend.
When the relationship ended, I could imagine that death felt 10 times better than the heartbreak I experienced. If you can relate to that feeling, you’re in the right place; because not long after that, my life changed in the best way possible.
New Year’s Eve 2023
The Bounce Back
It’s not just a phrase… It’s a resilience mindset. My sister introduced me to that word 2 summers ago and although I had heard it before, I didn’t understand the magnitude of its application until the moment she used it to describe my posture during a tough transition in my life.
To bounce back, you have to learn how to be resilient. You do this by digging deep into your purpose, ignoring your flesh and listening intensely to your soul. That will ultimately propel you forward when life throws you curveballs.
And if you don’t know your purpose, start there. Unfortunately sis, I can’t help you with that. But what I can help you with is understanding strategies that will transform your setbacks into comebacks. Let’s get into it.
Don’t rush the healing process but definitely give it an end date.
I know… some people might think that you should take as much time as possible to heal. But let’s be honest, provided that no one has died, you need to give yourself an end date. This is very important. Why? Because you don’t want to waste your days moping and operating in that headspace. I think 6 months or less is reasonable if we’re talking about healing from a breakup. Any longer than that is overkill if we’re being real. I like to break it up in phases:
- Phase 1 – Kick, scream, cry, pop up [[not recommended but….]], whatever craziness you need to get out of your system, do it in the first 72 hours. After that, you have to chill. Tackle this phase first to avoid it surfacing later. Even better if you’re emotionally sound enough to avoid it completely.
- Phase 2 – Isolate. Do this to check in with yourself. Ask some tough questions and literally write down your answers. Keeping track of your feelings is always a good idea. It’ll help you gain a better understanding of who you are and what you need out of life. Give yourself a solid month in this phase; it’s okay to speak to family and friends about your situation but avoid seeking too much external validation.
- Phase 3 – By this time you should be numb to the experience. It happened, you’re salty AF, a little jaded, but you’re coasting. This is good!!! Ride this wave until you’re over it, you’re close. This is a good time to seek therapy to heal any lingering wounds and understand how to move forward.
Take inventory of your life.
This one is quite simple. Sometimes things will happen in your life as a wake-up call to get your sh! together. Examine your friendships, the people around you, your finances and your overall wellbeing. There could be some things you need to remove from your life or add to your life to really get you to where you need to be.
Think about the little girl inside of you and the woman you’re becoming and ask yourself if you’re in a position now to make them proud. If the answer is no, examine your inventory and work towards making a change. If the answer is yes, work towards enhancing it. Your friendships, finances and wellbeing are large contributions to who you are and where you’re going.
Develop a plan.
You knew it was coming right… This step cannot be avoided as planning is the most essential part of the bounce back! I mean, how do you [plan] to bounce back without an actual plan? Make it make sense sis, you have to put pen to paper or pull out that laptop and get it going.
First you need to set some goals. When setting goals, try to be more realistic and not too overzealous. I promise I’m not a dream killer but you know you best.
Something overzealous would be setting a goal to buy a house on your own in 8 months when you’re 8,000 dollars in credit card debt, defaulted on student loans, you have zero savings, and you make 50,000 dollars a year. While that would be an amazing bounce back story and a nice flex on your ex, let’s just keep it 100, it’s probably not going to happen. Possible? Yes. Probable? No.
A better goal would be to pay off credit card debt and get in good financial standing with your student loans in 8 months. Both possible and probable.
Another goal you could have is to improve your self-care routine. I promise you, routines will literally save your sanity when you’re recovering from a break-up. A good skin care, morning, or nighttime routine will start to make you feel together again. This goes without saying but just in case… do not leave the house without looking your BEST and smelling amazing, trust me, it makes a difference. You’ll get that glow back and have a more positive and hopeful outlook on the future.
Once you have your goals written down, write down the actionable steps you need to take to achieve those goals. You’ll need to aggressively execute and track your progress daily/weekly/monthly until it becomes a part of your lifestyle. I have the perfect digital planner for you to get started. And If you need one-on-one guidance, I can help with that too.
Final thoughts on the bounce back.
At its core, resiliency is the name of the game. Once you learn how to master it, you’ll look at every break up as a learning opportunity, and a chance to improve ultimately getting you that much closer to where you want to be.
You know what I’m talking about. When the intimacy is gone; and not just sexual intimacy, also the sit on the couch cuddling up and watching a movie type of intimacy. Or the pillow..
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It’s one thing to deceive the person you’re dating, but to also play yourself is wild. This may be largely due to pressure from society, family, or other structures outside of yourself. And maybe you’re not sure…