Jay Shetty posted something recently that stopped me mid-scroll: “Your parents’ relationships really do determine your view of love and relationships.”
I sat with that for a minute. Then an hour. Then I started connecting dots I didn’t even know were there.
Because here’s the thing… you think you’re being intentional about who you date, how you love, what you’ll tolerate. You think you’re making conscious choices based on what you want, what you’ve learned, what you deserve. But if you look close enough, you’ll see the blueprint. And it was drawn long before you ever swiped right or said “I love you” for the first time.
You watched your parents. You absorbed their dynamic like osmosis. And now, whether you realize it or not, you’re either recreating it, running from it, or trying desperately to rewrite it.
Let’s talk about it.
The First Love Story You Ever Witnessed Wasn’t Yours
Before you ever held hands with someone, before you ever got your heart broken, before you even understood what romance was… you were studying it.
You were watching how your parents spoke to each other. How they fought. How they made up, or didn’t. You were taking mental notes on what affection looked like, what respect sounded like, what commitment meant in practice and not just theory.
Psychologists call this attachment theory and social modeling. I call it the relationship operating system you didn’t know you downloaded.
Your parents’ relationship was your first and most influential example of what love is supposed to look like. It taught you what’s normal, what’s acceptable, what’s worth fighting for, and what’s worth walking away from. It showed you how conflict gets resolved (or ignored), how emotions get expressed (or suppressed), and how two people navigate life together (or alone, even when they’re in the same house).
But get this… even if you hated their dynamic, even if you swore you’d never be like them, you’re still shaped by it. Because rebellion is just another form of response. You’re still using their relationship as the reference point.
The Patterns We Inherit Without Permission
My mother has always been a force. The kind of woman who does what she wants, when she wants, and isn’t particularly swayed by opinions that don’t align with her own. In relationships, she leads with radical self-preservation… even when it stings. Even when it costs something.
My father carried that same energy with different execution. He makes decisions for the family, but let’s be honest… they tend to benefit him most. The difference is, as a man, that’s expected. It’s even celebrated. He’s “the provider,” “the head of the household,” “the decision-maker.”
I didn’t realize until recently that I am both of them. I lead with what’s best for me, sometimes to a fault. It takes a lot for me to compromise. I’ve been called selfish in relationships, but I prefer to think of it as self-aware. I know what I need, and I’m not interested in pretending I don’t.
That’s not something I decided to be. It’s something I became by watching them choose themselves, over and over again, in a thousand tiny and monumental ways.
What Marriage Meant in My House (And What It Still Means to Me)
In my family, if there’s one thing we’re going to do, it’s get married.
It’s woven into the fabric of how we understand love. You don’t just date someone for years and see where it goes. You don’t “keep it casual.” There is no long-term relationship without the endgame being marriage. It’s not even a question… it’s a given. A love without a ring is a love without a future, and we don’t do futures we can’t name.
I used to think that was old-fashioned. Now I realize it’s just… hardwired. I can’t imagine building a life with someone and not having marriage as the destination. It feels aimless otherwise. Uncommitted in a way that makes me uneasy.
That’s my parents talking. That’s generations of my family talking. That’s the blueprint.
The People We Choose Are Echoes of the People Who Raised Us
My brother married a woman who is a social butterfly. Bubbly, free-spirited, demanding in the best way. She lights up every room she’s in, and she doesn’t shrink herself for anyone.
She’s our mother.
He didn’t consciously go looking for someone like her, but of course he did. She was his first example of what a woman could be… strong, unapologetic, magnetic. So when he met someone with that same energy, it felt like home.
We do this more than we think. We’re attracted to what’s familiar, even when familiar wasn’t always healthy. We’re drawn to people who reflect the dynamics we grew up in because our nervous system recognizes the patterns. It feels right, even when it’s wrong.
I chose men based on how secure and safe I feel around them, when those things are at risk, I make hard decisions.
Sometimes we choose our parents’ best qualities in a partner. Sometimes we choose their worst. Sometimes we choose someone who is the exact opposite, hoping that distance will be the cure. But either way, we’re still responding to the original blueprint.
The Ways Your Parents’ Relationship Shows Up in Yours
Let’s get specific. Here are the patterns you might not have connected yet:
1. How You Handle Conflict
Did your parents yell and slam doors, or did they give each other the silent treatment for days? Did they talk things out calmly, or did they pretend everything was fine until it exploded?
However they did it, that’s probably your default too. You either learned that conflict is loud and volatile, or quiet and avoided. You either learned that resolution is possible, or that some things just don’t get resolved.
2. How You Show Affection
Were your parents touchy? Did they hug, kiss, hold hands in public? Or were they more reserved, showing love through acts of service or quality time instead?
You probably mirror that. If affection was physical in your house, you crave that now. If it wasn’t, you might feel awkward with too much touch, or you might be starving for it because you never got enough.
3. How You View Commitment
Did your parents stay together no matter what, or did they split when things got hard? Did they model “til death do us part,” or “I’ll stay until I don’t want to anymore”?
That shapes whether you see commitment as sacred or optional. Whether you’re willing to work through the hard stuff or whether you’re always got one foot out the door, just in case.
4. What You Think You Deserve
If your parents had a loving, respectful, supportive relationship, you probably have higher standards now. You know what good love looks like, and you won’t settle for less.
But if their relationship was toxic, neglectful, or volatile, you might unconsciously accept behavior that mirrors that. Not because you want to, but because your baseline for “normal” is skewed.
5. How You Communicate Your Needs
Did your parents ask for what they needed, or did they expect each other to just know? Did they express their feelings openly, or did they bottle everything up?
You learned from that. If your house was emotionally expressive, you probably are too. If emotions were taboo, you might struggle to name what you’re feeling, let alone ask for it.
6. Who You’re Attracted To
This one’s sneaky. You’re drawn to people who feel familiar… people who have similar energy, communication styles, or emotional availability as one or both of your parents.
Sometimes that’s great. Sometimes that means you keep dating emotionally unavailable people because that’s what you saw growing up, and your brain is trying to fix the original wound by choosing someone similar and making it work this time.
7. What Role You Play in Relationships
Did one parent always give more than the other? Did one parent always sacrifice while the other took? Did they split things evenly, or was there an unspoken imbalance?
You probably play a similar role now. You’re either the giver or the taker, the pursuer or the distancer, the peacemaker or the challenger. And you might not even realize you’re doing it.
What If Your Parents Had a Toxic Relationship?
Let’s be real… not everyone grew up watching a healthy love story. Some of us watched dysfunction, toxicity, and pain disguised as commitment.
If that’s your story, I want you to hear this: you are not doomed to repeat it.
Yes, you absorbed their patterns. Yes, you might notice yourself recreating dynamics you swore you’d never tolerate. Yes, you might struggle with things that people from healthier homes don’t even think about.
But awareness is the first step to breaking the cycle. You can recognize the blueprint and still choose to redraw it. You can honor what you learned about resilience and survival while rejecting what you learned about what love is supposed to cost.
Therapy helps. So does conscious reflection. So does choosing partners who are also doing their own work and who won’t just play out the same old script with you.
You get to be the generation that does it differently.
What If Your Parents Had a Great Relationship?
On the flip side, if your parents had a loving, healthy, solid relationship, you’re not off the hook either.
Because now you’re dealing with a different kind of pressure… the pressure of living up to that standard. The fear that you won’t find what they had. The anxiety that your relationship doesn’t look like theirs, so maybe it’s not “real” love.
Or worse, you might unconsciously compare every partner to your parents and find them lacking. You might expect your partner to show love the exact same way your mom or dad did, without realizing that people have different love languages, different communication styles, different ways of showing up.
Having a great model is a gift. But it can also become a measuring stick that no one else can ever reach.
The key is to take what was healthy and beautiful about their relationship and adapt it to your own life, your own partner, your own needs… without expecting it to be a carbon copy.
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How to Rewrite the Blueprint
So what do you do with all this information? How do you stop unconsciously repeating patterns that don’t serve you?
Step 1: Get Honest About What You Saw
Write it down. Journal it out. Talk to a therapist or a trusted friend. Get specific about what your parents’ relationship actually looked like, not what you wish it looked like or what you tell yourself it was.
What did conflict look like? How did they show affection? How did they handle money, responsibilities, parenting, stress? What did you admire? What did you hate?
The clearer you are about the blueprint, the easier it is to see when you’re following it without meaning to.
Step 2: Separate Their Story from Yours
Your parents’ relationship is not a prophecy. It’s not a manual. It’s just one example of how two people navigated love, and it was shaped by their own wounds, patterns, and blueprints.
You get to take what works and leave what doesn’t. You get to say, “I saw this, I learned from this, but I’m choosing differently.” This is hard, don’t downplay the work that goes into this step.
Step 3: Communicate Your Discoveries with Your Partner
If you’re in a relationship, this is a conversation worth having. Share what you’ve realized about your patterns. Talk about how your family shaped your expectations, your communication style, your triggers.
This isn’t about blaming your parents or making excuses for your behavior. It’s about giving your partner context so they understand why you react the way you do, and so you can both work together to build something healthier.
Step 4: Do the Work (Therapy, Coaching, or Both)
Look, I’m not going to sugarcoat it… unlearning generational patterns is hard. It takes more than just awareness. It takes consistent, intentional effort.
Therapy can help you identify the wounds that are driving your behavior. Coaching can help you build new skills and habits. Both are worth the investment if you’re serious about breaking cycles that don’t serve you.
Step 5: Practice New Behaviors Intentionally
You can’t just think your way into new patterns. You have to practice them. You have to catch yourself in the moment and choose differently.
If you grew up in a house where conflict was avoided, practice speaking up when something bothers you. If you grew up in a house where affection was scarce, practice being more openly loving with your partner. If you grew up watching codependency, practice setting boundaries.
It will feel awkward at first. It will feel wrong. But that’s just your nervous system resisting change. Keep going.
You Get to Choose Your Love Story
Jay Shetty was right… your parents’ relationship really does determine your view of love.
But here’s what he didn’t say in that quote: it doesn’t have to be the final word.
You inherited a blueprint, sure. But you also inherited the ability to revise it. To question it. To take what serves you and discard what doesn’t.
You get to choose how you love. You get to choose who you love. You get to choose what kind of relationship you build, regardless of what you saw growing up.
The patterns are there. But so is your power to change them.
So look at the blueprint. Acknowledge it. Learn from it. And then… build something better.
