I’ve been craving something lately… friendships that just flow. You know the kind where nobody’s taking life too seriously, where personal development is sexy, where kindness is the baseline, and confidence is contagious. I want friends who are unapologetically themselves, genuinely happy (not just Instagram happy), and who don’t spend every hangout gossiping or complaining about their lives.
Recently, someone told me they were “questioning our friendship” and wondered if I was just a good person, not necessarily a good friend. Her comment SHOOK me lol I can’t lie. It stewed and it made me question myself.
And then I realized… she’s absolutely right. Maybe I am just a good person who isn’t built for every type of friendship. And guess what? I can 100% live with that.
10 Signs You’re a Good Person, Not a Good Friend
1. You Have Clear Boundaries About Your Energy
Good Friends Know Their Capacity
Here’s the thing about being a good friend:
- it requires energy
- emotional labor
- time
- attention
- And if you’re like me, you’ve already allocated most of that energy somewhere else; your family. If you have sisters like I do, you already know…
I have 4 sisters. When life gets real, when someone needs me to show up at 2 AM or drop everything for a crisis, those are my people. That’s where my energy goes first, and I’m not apologizing for it. I also have a best friend and childhood bestie that fall into that category as well.
Some friendships demand that same level of intensity, and I’ve learned I just don’t have it to give. That doesn’t make me a bad person. It makes me someone who knows their limits.
Turning Conference Connections into Career Opportunities — Women Of Project Management
Friendship Expectations vs. Actual Capacity
The disconnect happens when someone expects more from you than you’re willing or able to give. They want daily check-ins, constant validation, or to be your emotional priority.
Meanwhile, you’re thinking, “I already have sisters for this.” Too much of the dumping can be draining; and because of that you may fall into the “bad friend” category.
Being a good friend doesn’t mean being everything to everyone. It means being honest about what you can offer and finding people who vibe with that level of connection.
2. You Don’t Get Involved in Other People’s Drama
The Fallout
Let me tell you a story. I had two friends. Friend A disrespected Friend B… badly. Like, genuinely hurtful stuff. Friend B was rightfully upset and decided she wanted nothing to do with Friend A anymore.
Here’s where it gets messy: I remain friends with both of them.
Friend B thought I was shady for it. She couldn’t understand how I could still be cool with someone who hurt her. But I stood ten toes down on my decision. I told her straight up, “You need to decide how you want to move forward because nothing changes on my end. Your relationship with Friend A is independent from my relationship with Friend A.”
They’re no longer friends. Friend B actually despises Friend A now, and I get it. But here’s what I learned: being a good friend doesn’t mean choosing sides in someone else’s conflict. And if it does, I’m okay with the consequences.
Loyalty Doesn’t Mean Blind Allegiance
I grew up with sisters. We fight, say horrible things to each other, and still show up for family dinner. I learned that loyalty isn’t about taking sides; it’s about being consistent in your relationships.
A good person can care about two people who hate each other. That’s called nuance. That’s called not making other people’s drama your identity.
3. You Value Your Peace Over People-Pleasing
When Friendship Feels Like a Job
Some friendships feel exhausting because they come with unspoken rules. You have to text back immediately, always agree. You have to perform emotional labor on demand.
And if you don’t? You’re suddenly “not a good friend.”
But here’s the truth: good people prioritize their peace. They don’t twist themselves into pretzels to meet unrealistic friendship expectations. They show up when they can, authentically, and they don’t apologize for having boundaries.
4. You’re Not Built for Overly Intense Friendships
When Friendship Starts Feeling Like a Relationship
Friendship Jealousy: How to Spot It, Own It, and Overcome It – The Nerd Bae
Can we talk about those friendships that feel… romantic? Not in a cute way. In a controlling, possessive, “where were you last night” kind of way.
I’m talking about friends who get jealous when you hang out with other people. Who need to know your every move. Who act like they’re your partner when they’re… not.
Look, there’s nothing wrong with being in a relationship with a woman if that’s what you want. But if we’re friends, and that dynamic isn’t clearly defined, it’s weird.
A true friend shouldn’t be acting like your man. They shouldn’t be monitoring your time, questioning your loyalty, or making you feel guilty for having a life outside of them.
Friendship Shouldn’t Feel Suffocating
Good friendships are liberating. They add to your life without demanding you shrink it. If a friendship feels like you’re constantly explaining yourself, defending your choices, or walking on eggshells… that’s not friendship. That’s codependency with a cute nickname.
5. You Choose Quality Over Quantity in Relationships
Why Having Sisters Changes Everything
Growing up with sisters taught me something crucial: proximity doesn’t equal priority. Just because someone is around doesn’t mean they deserve unlimited access to you.
My sisters? I’d drop everything for them in a heartbeat. My brothers too. We’ve been through hell and back together. We know each other’s worst moments and still choose each other. That’s the baseline for deep connection in my life.
Friendships operate on a different tier, and that’s okay. Not everyone gets sister-level loyalty, and expecting that from every friend is exhausting.
6. You Don’t Need to Be Everyone’s Emotional Lifeline
The Difference Between Support and Sacrifice
- A good person offers support. A “good friend” (by some people’s standards) sacrifices their own well-being to be someone’s therapist, diary, and emotional dumping ground.
- I’ve learned to spot the difference. I can care about someone’s struggles without making them mine. I can offer advice without taking on their pain as my responsibility.
If that makes me “not a good friend,” so be it. I’d rather be a good person with healthy boundaries than a burned-out friend who’s lost themselves in someone else’s chaos.
7. You’re Honest, Even When It’s Uncomfortable
Being a Straight Shooter Isn’t Always Popular
When Friend B asked me to cut off Friend A, I could have lied. I could have said, “Yeah, totally, she’s canceled.” Instead, I said the truth: “I’m staying friends with both of you. Figure out what that means for us.”
Was it uncomfortable? Absolutely. Did it cost me that friendship? Possibly. But I’d rather be honest than performative.
Good people tell the truth. They don’t sugarcoat to keep the peace. They don’t pretend to be someone they’re not just to maintain a friendship that’s already on shaky ground.
8. You Recognize When Friendships Are Misaligned
Not Every Connection Is Meant to Last
Sometimes people come into your life, and the vibe is just… off. You’re on different wavelengths. They’re complainy; you’re solution-oriented. They thrive on drama; you crave peace. They’re insecure; you’re confident.
And that’s okay. Not every friendship is supposed to work out.
Being a good person means recognizing misalignment and not forcing it. It means saying, “This isn’t serving either of us,” and moving on without resentment.
9. You Prioritize Authenticity Over Performance
Real Friendship Doesn’t Require Auditions
I don’t want friendships where I have to perform. Where I have to prove my loyalty constantly. Where every text needs to be perfectly worded, and every decision is analyzed for hidden meaning.
I want friends who take me as I am: straightforward, sometimes blunt, fiercely loyal, and unapologetically selective about where I spend my energy.
If that’s not “good friend” material for someone, that’s feedback about compatibility, not character.
10. You Know Being a Good Person Is Enough
The Freedom in Accepting Yourself
Here’s the final truth: you don’t owe anyone a friendship that drains you. You don’t have to be everyone’s ride-or-die. You don’t have to choose sides, perform emotional labor on demand, or shrink yourself to fit someone else’s definition of a good friend.
Being a good person; kind, honest, consistent, respectful; is enough. The right people will appreciate that. The wrong people will call you a bad friend. And that’s how you know who to keep around.
Final Thoughts: Find Your People
I’m done trying to fit into friendship molds that weren’t made for me. Done feeling guilty for having boundaries. I’m done pretending that every friendship should feel like sisterhood.
What I want now is aligned friendships with people who don’t take life too seriously but take personal growth seriously. People who are confident, kind, unapologetic, and genuinely happy. People who don’t need me to be anything other than what I am: a good person.
And if that means I’m not everyone’s version of a good friend? I’m completely okay with that.
Are you?
